The Saxophone Player's Wife

Bailing Out

2012-01-17T11:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, life feels like a boat taking on water. No matter how fast you try to bail out that water, you're still going to sink. I feel that way today. Can't abandon ship, though. Well, maybe, tomorrow will be a better day.

New Year

2012-01-04T00:19:00.000-08:00

I have rarely been as glad to see a year end, as I was to see 2011 pass into history.

And, yet, it seems unkind, maybe unjust, to judge it so harshly. After all, weren't there many, many good things in 2011? Why do the hard times over shadow the bad? I don't like that. I don't want 2011 to just be known as the year I got cancer. Or, the year Mother's health and strength became dramatically worse. Or, the year we moved into a house so small it brings tears of frustration sometimes. Is it fair to only remember it for the year giving was so suffocated by the hardships donors faced that we seriously wondered sometimes how we'd make it from one day to another? Should 2011 only be remembered for those things? What about all the good that happened, too?

Well, of course. Of course, we remember the good! We must. It is what the Lord commands: "Think on these things," He told us.

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8

So, here's to the good! Here's to 2011! Here's to the year we moved from an apartment in the downtown of a city known more for it's crime than for the Archie's; a home with all the heat and hot water we can use, free of charge. It is a home that may challenge my nerves some days, but also has challenged my homemaking and organizing skills. It is a home with wild flowers that cover the grass in the Spring, critters and birds to entertain us year-long, a deck that catches the sun and grants Mother a view of woods and neighbors and sky---a whole wide world she never saw in that apartment.

And, here's to the year where despite the shortages in giving, we still received a brand new, top of the line, washer and dryer. I don't have to tell you, that doesn't happen often! We essentially lost 25% of our support, but in the end we still made it. Somehow, we made it! And, after eight years of waiting, Doug learned in December that he will finally begin to receive a stipend from the Essex County Correctional Facilities for the work he does as Chaplain. It is not a salary, but it does make-up for that 25%. And, the validation for his years of service doesn't hurt, either.

I would also not want to forget that 2011 was the year Hannah graduated from Bible school, or the year the Lord helped her make the difficult transition from student life to "real" life. It was the year I survived cancer, not only making it through surgery alive, but with a hope for better days. This was also the year my family really started sharing the day-to-day burden of caring for my Mother. My illness forced me to let go of some of the responsibility for her care, and Doug and Hannah picked-up the slack beautifully. And, just before the end of the year, the sweet baby my niece had conceived in February was born. I never want to forget 2011 was the year the Lord brought us all Annaka.

And, could I forget all He did within the ministry? Perish the thought! This was a year of such growth!

Really, truly, it wasn't such a bad year. I could actually keep listing wonderful things the Lord did. Yes, the more I think about it, 2011 was a very good year! We can only trust the Lord 2012 is so blessed.

Happy New Year!

The Believer's Deadline

2011-09-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

For some time now, I have been thinking about the absence of the fear of the Lord amongst Believers.

I think it's a core issue that has caused many to compromise, embrace false doctrine, and fall away from right standing with God.

I believe we have made God into our own image, someone we can understand. Someone who's thoughts are like our thoughts, and who's ways are like our ways. We even think our thoughts are His thoughts, sometimes. Without seeking His Word, we go forward. It seems right to us, so let's do it.

This kind of "faith" actually requires no faith at all.

"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6)

Somehow, the church got the idea that God was supposed to be approachable, and that seems to be the crux of the problem. He is not approachable, except through Christ. Only through Christ. We must come to Him clothed in the righteousness of Christ, cleansed by the blood. And, Christ is not something we put on and take off when we get to the church door.

"But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts." (Romans 13:14)

"And be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith." (Philippians 3:9)

The God of the Old Testament has not changed, and He never will. He required great things of those Saints of old, yet we expect Him to be satisfied with our measly gifts today. We give Him our "extra" time. We yawn and watch the clock. We decide how much we serve according to what we're already doing, not according to how much there is to be done. We give more time to entertainment, than we do to knowing Him. Sports scores clutter more Facebook statuses than Scripture references. We pollute our minds watching and listening to things that should make us jump up and run out of the room. Why do want to be a part of glorifying that which nailed our Savior to the Cross?

"Who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness—by whose stripes you were healed." (1 Peter 2:24)

Friends, I have not written this to condemn anyone. I am not judging your choices, or prejudiced against your lifestyle. I am only concerned for the Body of Christ. The days are getting short, Brothers and Sisters. Christ is coming soon. That is not an inevitability that we just wait to arrive. "Why think about it? Why preach about it? It's going to happen anyway." No. We are missing the point, if that is what we think. Paul described this Christian life as a race to finish (2 Timothy 4:7). What runner ambles around the course, not caring whether or not he reaches the end? The Rapture is a deadline we are supposed to prepare ourselves for, and daily be working towards.

I love you, and I am praying for you. I pray you will allow these words to challenge you to search your heart.

The New Oprah

2011-08-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

About 15 years ago, I began to recognize that Oprah Winfrey was Bad News. I would mention this to Christian friends, and they would think I was completely off my rocker. Those same Christian friends have sent me links to videos where Oprah is defaming Christ. "Yeah, I know! Remember back in the '90s when you told me I was being mean? Hello, people!"

Well, I'm about to do it, again.

Glenn Beck is Bad News. No, scratch that. He is BAD. Just plain BAD. I know some of you are going to say I'm being mean, but I am absolutely convinced he is pure trouble. I urge my Christian readers to examine their hearts and test the spirit that animates this man. If you still deem him safe and good, than I just ask you to remember this warning, because one day he is going to say or do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. When that happens, you are going to ask yourself, "Is this OK? I'm not sure about that." When that happens, remember what your friend Caroline said, and put as much distance between him and you as you can.

Don't give him credit for the truth he speaks. That's not how it works. It's the truth he isn't saying that matters most.

Neglect!

2011-08-03T08:14:00.000-07:00

I clicked onto this blog today, and realized how much I have neglected it. So much potential here, but I don't nurture it. I don't make time for it. I am disappointed in myself, but life is just not conducive to blogging sometimes.

However, I really like this blog! I believe it has a purpose my other blog does not. (I've neglected it, too.) So, I am going to have to make a decision: Fish or cut bait. I will either give priority to this venture, or close-up shop. To let it sit here and spoil is just wrong. So, here's to renewed efforts.

As I wrote the title of this post, the word "neglect" kind of hurt my eyes. I can't help think about other things in my life that I have been neglecting lately. They aren't all things I can so easily afford to ignore, though. Some of these things are actually very important to the people I love most in this world. How has this happened? I don't want to be neglectful. I don't want to put off doing things for the people I love. What am I doing instead? What isn't being neglected?

Ah, there's the rub! My real problem is coming into focus. Some things are not being neglected at all. They get hours and hours of my time each day. Are they really deserving of that much time and dedication?

I think it is time to make some lists. I think better on paper, pen in hand. I need reevaluate the things I am giving myself to, and I need to root out those things that have exalted themselves to a place of priority in my life. My days are numbered. I need to get serious about how I spend them. Am I investing them in what will bear fruit, or am I wasting them away? Productivity isn't my only goal, though. My desire is to be purposeful. I want to accomplish what I've been put here to do, and I want to make a difference in the lives of those I love. I want to fulfill my purpose.

So, no more neglect.

Are there important things you have been neglecting lately, or are you achieving your purpose in life?

Heads Up!

2011-03-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

So thankful that when God is trying to tell us something, He doesn't just tell us once. He keeps giving us a chance to hear.

Today's example? I woke-up thinking about the Fruit of the Spirit. I thought to myself, "I should write them out on pieces of paper and post them around our room, as a reminder to us as we head into the very challenging week we have ahead us."

Well, of course, I got distracted. Didn't do it. Actually, completely forgot about it.

Just now, I checked my iGoogle Verse of the Day from BibleGateway.com. Couldn't believe it! Can you believe it? Yes, it was the passage that lists the Fruit of the Spirit. Isn't that cool? Oh, it does give me pause, though. The Lord is clearly giving us a head's up for what's ahead. Oh, boy!

Well, I'm glad we don't have to go it alone. I'm glad we can count on Him to help us live these things out. I'm glad we don't have to rely on our own supply!

"But also for this very reason,
giving all diligence,
add to your faith virtue,
to virtue knowledge,
to knowledge self-control,
to self-control perseverance,
to perseverance godliness,
to godliness brotherly kindness,
and to brotherly kindness
love.
For if these things are yours and abound,
you will be neither barren nor unfruitful
in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."
2 Peter 1:5-8

P.S. I will be back soon to finish the previous post!

Six Months

2011-02-16T02:50:00.000-08:00

Almost exactly 10 years ago, I had an experiencing that forever changed my life.

At the time, we lived in small town on the New England seacoast. I loved living in there, and our little family had a very nice life. Doug worked for the largest telecommunications company in the nation and earned a generous salary that allowed me to comfortably stay at home and volunteer at our daughter's school. I was ambitious to make a place for myself amongst the PTA moms, and by Hannah's 5th grade year I had become a valuable volunteer, and they made me Co-President. I was at the heighth of my glory. I loved running the show and being a big fish in that tiny pond. It's amazing how much value we put on things that are so worthless, but I did. It was all about me. I said it was all about the kids, especially my own, and I thought I was telling the truth, but I was a liar, lying most of all to myself.

In the winter of Hannah's 5th grade year, another PTA mom invited me to join a Bible study she attended. Our church did not have a women's Bible study, and I knew my spiritual life was being neglected, plus, I felt ashamed to not go. It was once a week, and it was one of the hardest commitments I ever made. Each time I walked into that church, I felt such guilt. It was as if I was walking through the hallway naked. I cannot think of another time in my life I have ever felt so uncomfortable. You would think I would have recognized this evidence of my sinful heart, but I was just that deceived. I was just that given over to my vain and selfish pursuits. I wanted to so much to stop attending those Bible studies, but my pride kept me there. I didn't want my friend to think I was ungodly.

As I write this now, I am truly seeing how the Enemy had gotten a hold of my heart. I had such noble, sincere, and selfless motives when it had all begun, but I was investing my talents and energy into something that was corrupt at its core. Why was I expecting a secular organization, fueled b y greed, to do what was right for the children? Why was I asking them to have integrity? Why was I trying to make them see the injustice of their priorities? And, why was I giving endless hours of my time to help everyone elses children, while my own daughter was left at home so many nights while I went to my "important" civic meetings? My heart is crushed under the weight of my shame.

Yet, despite the fact the Holy Spirit was so faithful to shine the light of truth on that situation, I just kept pressing on. "I'll just write one more editorial." "I'll just come up with an even better fund-raiser." "I'll just ask for one more meeting." It doesn't matter what we were trying to do. As I said, my motives were good, and there was just enough success from one month to the next to keep me thinking it was all worth it.

Then, something happened. Something very unexpected, that took me totally by surprise.

It was April. As I sat in a circle with the other nice ladies in that Bible study, Bibles and folders in our lap, the leader of the group asked a question that hadn't been in our study notes. She asked us to just say the first thing that came to mind, without analyzing it. You know how we tend to do that sometimes?

Now, before I share her question, I want to ask you to do the same. Don't analyze the question. Just say the first thing that comes to mind.

Her question was: "What would you do, if you knew for sure that Jesus Christ was coming (the Rapture of the church) in six months?"

My answer shocked me: "I would support my husband's ministry."

What?! I couldn't believe what I was hearing myself say, but I knew any other answer would be a bold face lie. Yet, didn't I already support him? Hadn't I encouraged him in everything he did for the Lord? And, after all, he wasn't even called to full-time ministry. He was just a church volunteer, playing his instrument, leading worship. How did I not support him? Quick as a flash, my head played back the countless times in recent years that he'd given time to a PTA event, or stayed home with Hannah so that I could go to a meeting. I thought of the many, many times he was the only father present. But, wasn't he just very supportive? And, was it wrong for me to work for the children? Wasn't that all good?

I hate to say this, but I just didn't get it. I prayed a prayer of some description before the Bible study finished, committing myself, asking for help, blah, blah, blah. Then, I went home and went back to work.

June came. The Bible study had ended for the summer, and 5th grade was coming to an end. Hannah would soon be promoted to the junior high. PTA elections were held, and I was asked to continue my work. They unanimously voted to continue my reign, and I made sure there would be no more co-. I had been saddled with a a dead weight co-president long enough. I wanted the title I deserved. It's true. I was really that wicked, that puffed-up. I was shameless. Yet, I was good at my job. If I had asked to be called PTA Queen, they would have probably agreed. Any mom willing to work as hard as I did? It was disgusting how much I worked, and disgusting how wicked I'd become, but I kept telling myself I was doing a good thing. And, everyone else kept telling me that, too. It was a bizarre power play. My "friends" would say how nice it would be if this happened, or that happened, and I'd say, "Let's do it!" They knew I could make it happen, so they used me to get what they wanted for their kids. I was dumb enough to believe it was important.

So, at the beginning of June my big production, the Volunteer Appreciation Banquet, was coming together beautifully. I'd done all the Teacher Appreciation Week gifts myself, and did the Volunteer Appreciation gifts myself, too. Food was arranged. Beautiful invitations had been designed by yours truly, and each was mailed in an envelope I'd addressed myself. The big event was just days away. I essentially had my crown on order for the coming year at the junior high. It had been the best year anyone could ever recall. The Superintendent and School Board respected me. Teachers appreciated me. Parents depended on me.

And, then it happened.

I woke up one lovely, warm, and sunny day, and couldn't speak. I could barely swallow. I had an extreme case of strep throat. I went to bed perfectly well, and woke-up sicker than I could ever remember ever being before. I hadn't been exposed to strep, and no one I knew could think of anyone they knew with strep - it's not a common disease in June. Yet, I was sick. In bed. Speechless. Powerless. All alone.

I knew almost instantly that this was an act of God.

For almost two weeks I sat in bed, silent. I couldn't even whisper. I had to turn everything over to my co-president. She'd call with questions, and I'd write the answers down for Doug to tell her for me. I couldn't believe what was happening. And, I was not just speechless, I was sick. I had no strength, no will to get out of bed. The big event, the pièce de résistance I'd been planning for over a year, would go on without me.

But, during that silence God finally got me to stop and listen. And, He spoke one simple thing to me.

To Be Continued...

We Can't Escape the Hard Truths

2010-07-06T06:31:00.000-07:00

We Can't Escape the Hard Truths
by Pastor Carter Conlon
Times Square Church

My morning's sermon. Such a good word. A strong word. I wish every Believer would watch this, and heed its warning.

The video's description from TSC:
February 21, 2010 - You can resist and run from truth but you can never escape it. When we have a wrong view of success we will develop a wrong method to achieve it. We are not called to live the Christian life with a wrong focus of what we can get for ourselves. There are no big or small players in the church. We are all moving as one body and we are a small part to a large picture. If we serve God for personal gain and reputation we will end up pretending to be fully with the program, but in reality we have our own agenda. Pretending to be led of the Holy Spirit and to obey God is a very dangerous thing. God calls us to walk before Him with an honest and humble heart.

A Bud Cannot Bloom

2010-04-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

It doesn't matter why you're holding onto the past.

Maybe, you think life was better then and you miss the good times, or maybe you can't forget how you suffered and still feel the pain of your wounds.

Either way, this is not God's will for you.

God's will for you is to grow. To change. To always be becoming the person He called you to be from your mother's womb.

A Bud Cannot Bloom...

Yes, He did call you. He does have a unique purpose for your life that is going to distinctly please and honor Him.

However, you have to let go. You have to stop looking back. And, you will have to trust Him more. And, even more than that.

The future is unknown, and it may not look very good right now, but you cannot judge His will by your present circumstances. You cannot judge His will by how you feel. The heart is deceitful above all things: Do not accept it's council.

...unless it's willing to change.

It takes no faith to live in the past, but that is not where you'll find God's will.

Hold Fast!

2009-12-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. Has it ever happened to you? You receive a great blessing from God, only to have Satan sneak in and try to steal it away.

One moment you are shouting praise to the Lord for His goodness, vowing to never doubt Him again. The next, you are facing devastating financial setbacks, heartbreaking conflicts in your most important relationships, or what feels like an insurmountable disappointment. Just when you thought things were looking up, just when you were resolved once again to trust God, just when you thought you were going to make it, BAM! You're blindsided. You don't even know what hit you.

I really have been there, but I am here to tell you that it is in those moments you must hold fast and refuse to let Satan rob you of your blessing. The Lord warned us in His Word:

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill,

and to destroy. I have come that they may have life,

and that they may have it more abundantly.

John 10:10 (NKJV)

Satan is unrelenting. He is not impressed by our shouts of victory. He continuously works against us, convinced it is just a matter of time before we once again succumb to fear and doubt. He wants to see us run scared.

However, we serve a God who is faithful, and not forgetful. He does not bless with one hand, and rob with the other. He does not promise to provide, and then leave us to fend for ourselves. We must not allow Satan to lie to us about who God is, and what He has promised to do. We must hold fast! These are not days to lose hope, but days to hang tough on the promises of God.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without

wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

(Hebrews 10:23)

We live in a day when we need unshakable faith. Thankfully, we serve a God of unwavering faithfulness!

If Satan is trying to rob your blessing, I encourage you today to grab it back! Don't let him steal your victory, or destroy your peace. Satan has neither the power nor authority to override God's will for your life. Our loving heavenly Father who blessed you yesterday knew full well what today would bring. Hold fast to the Lord. His promises to you are everlasting!