Defining Darkness

I have been meditating on this verse:

"This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth." (1 John 1:5-6)

I'm a visual person. So, as I was thinking about all of this, I got an image in my head. This black square is the world. It is dark. Full of darkness. It is the world without any Believers.

There is no light at all. It's like the first instant when the lights go out. Utter darkness. Let's add some Believers.

What a difference! It's like the lights in the ball park, lighting up the field as though it were day. 

But, this passage says that some Believers have fellowship with darkness. Maybe, a lot of fellowship. Maybe, a little. 

This is probably a more realistic picture of Believers in the world, but my head says, "Well, a dim light is better than no light." We've all been in a blackout with a flashlight that had dying batteries. It isn't real bright, but it's better than nothing! 

Yes, there is a difference between the darkness and the Believers who fellowship with it, but it's pretty subtle. Those can hardly be called lights. 

When I was backsliding, I remember I would define my right standing with Christ by comparing myself to the world. Next to the world, my compromise (sin) wasn't bad at all. 

When I compared myself to other Christians, I would mock those that seemed to shine brighter. They were legalistic, or judgmental, or old fashioned. Or, boring. Hadn't they heard of grace? I remember saying, "God can't expect me to follow what the Bible says. That was a totally different time and culture!"

I really did say that. And, lived it, too.

In Matthew 5:14 Christ tell us that we are the light of the world. In verse 16 He says that it is by our light they will come to know Him. If we are using the darkness of the world as our light meter, we're in trouble.  

OUR LIGHT METER
I chose a triangle to represent God, because the triangle often represents the Holy Trinity. So, here is God and the world.

"God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all." 

I think that's really clear! James 1:7 tells us that God is the Father of lights, and this is no variableness. He is all light. No shades of grey. 

Are there little compromises, or big sins, blotting out the light of Christ in your life? Have you been measuring your light by the darkness? I must constantly go back to Christ as my light meter. I cannot compare myself to anyone else—no other Believer, or sinner—only Him. And, next to Him, I can truly see where I need to repent.

I Have Moved

In an effort to limit my relationship with Google, I have moved my blog to WordPress. My husband gifted me with a URL for my birthday, so I may be found at:
http://thesaxophoneplayerswife.com/

I will not close this site, though, because I still pop into your blogs, those I've been reading over the years, and want to be able to keep sharing your life.

Thank you for your kindness,
Caroline

Be Mary

The Enemy is working very hard to both take people out of the ministry, and keep them from ever really answering the call. 

Please, do not let that be you. Please, be the person who hears that distant ringing in their spirit and answers with the same willingness as sweet Mary, who had nothing to offer the Lord except her faith and obedience. "Yes, Lord. I'm Yours. Do with me as You please." That is all God needs.

There will be suffering. There will be very hard times. And, our Enemy is ruthless. He knows where we are tender, and strikes so that every attack does the most damage. But, he is defeated! He may take us down in a scrimmage, but the war isn't over. 

Be Mary, dear friends. Don't turn away from the call of God. And, do not compromise it, because God's way seems too hard. Keep climbing.

“O Shepherd. You said you would make my feet like hinds' feet and set me upon High Places". "Well", he answered "the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the paths which the hinds use." 

Hinds' Feet On High Places by Hannah Hunard 

Marriage Musts

Hannah and I were talking yesterday about how important it is to marry a man who respects your mind. This was my Mother's #1 piece of advice for me, and the more I encounter sexism in the Christian church the more I am grateful for my husband. I married a guy who sees me as Christ sees me; and he not only hears me, but thinks I have something worth saying

Marriage is more than just the good qualities of one member, though. Marriage is a union of two equal halves. Both sides must bring their best to the table. So, while I do urge Hannah to marry a man who listens to her, I would add, "Be sure to say something worth hearing." 

Marriage Musts
Here is my version of the must-have qualities for her husband, with a counterpoint just for her. These qualities are inspired by the Saxophone Player, and are listed in no particular order.

1. He must listen to you. 
    Be sure to say something worth hearing.

2. He must keep growing. 
    Be the sunshine of his life.

3. He must have a grateful heart. 
    Be considerate of his needs.

4. He must care about your personal growth. 
    Be willing to change.

5. He must never give up. 
    Be merciful, when he fails.

6. He must make you laugh.
    Be always charmed by his efforts.

7. He must be in love with God. 
    Be sure God is your first love first. 

8. He must be the priest of your home.
    Be submissive, and pray he lead well.

9. He must be affectionate.
    Be his comfort.

10. He must be generous.
      Be a good steward of all you have.

11. He must be a faithful provider.

      Be content.

13. He must defend you.
      Be careful to choose your fights well.

14. He must hold himself to a biblical standard.
      Be "a woman who fears God." (Proverbs 31)

15. He must have a servant's heart.

      Be willing to serve alongside him.

16. He must communicate.
      Be a good listener.

17. He must make you feel beautiful.
      Be the woman who makes him feel like a man.

18. He must care about your interests.
      Be invested in his.

19. He must be respectful of your family.
      Be in love with his.

20. He must be kind and gentle.
      Be strong and supportive.

21. He must be transparent.
      Be slow to anger.

22. He must be your Brother in Christ.
      Be his intercessor.

23. He must cherish you. 
      Be respectful of him. 

24. He must share the duties of homekeeping.
      Be a good manager of your home.

25. He must lay down his life for you. 
      Be his best friend.

Whittier, California in 1993

Portland, Maine in 2012

Betcha Can't Eat Just One!

This is not a post about potato chips.

Tonight I read this short article:

"Philip Seymour Hoffman - A Single Drink Ultimately Led to Death"

"Philip Seymour Hoffman's recent and fatal path down the road of addiction was triggered by an innocent drink...Hoffman had been sober for 23 years...but during a wrap party in 2012, the actor succumbed to temptation...and celebrated the movie with a drink...which quickly became a couple of drinks.

"Hoffman acknowledged to confidants...the drinks opened the floodgates...Hoffman didn't begin experimenting with heroin until 2013, after he had already fully fallen off the wagon." LINK

No doubt in the 23 years Philip Seymour Hoffman lived as a sober man he was tempted many, many times. I don't know why he gave in to temptation that time, but in a split-second he made a decision that led to his death. And, it's the same for every addict. Though each hour of sobriety is a reason to be glad, their accumulated hours do not earn them immunity from temptation. They can never stop choosing to be clean. Every addict, no matter how long they have been clean, is one decision away from death.

Think about that. 

Now, think about that party. Imagine Mr. Hoffman there, celebrating with his friends, his coworkers. Imagine the relief they all felt to have finished this project, and now to be able to relax. Of course, it felt so good. Such an accomplishment! Now, imagine the person who turned to this man and offered him a drink. Maybe, it was a glass of champagne. A beer. It wouldn't matter. 

Or, maybe, no one offered him a thing. Maybe, just being there with them all, watching everyone else drink, was the only temptation he needed that day. Imagine that. I know people who would say that's all it would take for them. Just seeing someone drink. And, that one drink—nay, that first sip—is all it would take to knock them off the wagon.

And, let's be clear. An addict doesn't fall off the wagon to the ground, where he can easily get back up. He falls off the wagon, and into a pit. A deep, deep pit. With quick sand at the bottom. 

This Isn't About Potato Chips

We all know the famous slogan for Lay's Potato Chips. They warn us that we can't eat just one, because they're just so good. Most people will enjoy a serving, and be satisfied. Some might not be able to stop until they're all gone.

Yet, even if someone ate an entire bag, they most likely wouldn't then eat every pretzel, cookie, and piece of beef jerky in the house. They wouldn't rush to the store to buy ten more bags. They wouldn't empty their bank account, steal from a neighbor, or hawk grandma's diamond ring in a desperate effort to get more money for snacks. They wouldn't risk their job, their family's safety, or their freedom. 

And, that's the difference between everyone else and the addict, because  an addict can't stop. They are a car careening downhill without brakes. They are a snowball that starts at the peak of Mount Everest. They will risk everything for a fix. It's an ugly thing. And, it's a pitiful thing. As Christians, we are moved with compassion for the addict. Our hearts are touched by their sad stories. We may put action to our emotion by volunteering, or give to support the work of others. Hopefully, we'll pray, but there is something even more important we should keep in mind.

Don't Do This

There is one more thing we can do as Christians that is more important than everything else. It's more important, because it has to do with us, and our very own soul. 

"Temptation to do wrong is inevitable, but woe to the man who does the tempting." Matthew 18:7

Think about that. Now, imagine the person who proffered the drink that started Philip Seymour Hoffman's snowball. That's hard news to take. Yes, Hoffman took the drink; he took that first sip. He alone made that decision. However, the Bible says, "Woe to the one who does the tempting." The Message says, "Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse—and it's doomsday to you, if you do."

So, let's imagine what this really means to the Christian who drinks socially. I'm not questioning your right to drink. I am just asking you to question yourself, and your choices. An addict has no business going to a bar, where he knows there will be temptation. However, what about a function with his Christian friends? The football game accompanied by a cooler of beer? The jewelry party that begins with a glass of wine?  The couples dinner that includes pitchers of margaritas? 

It's all perfectly legal. 

Yet, is it a temptation for someone?  I know we've had New Brothers fall off the wagon, because of social drinking amongst their Christian friends. The Bible doesn't say it's up to the addict to ask first. The Bible says, "Woe."

Whoa.

Please, Do This

If you're a Christian, will you please think about this? Will you please consider who your guests are, before serving booze? Will you please think twice, before exercising your freedom to drink? Will you reconsider sharing those pictures of yourself, and others, enjoying a drink? Will stop and ask yourself if it's really necessary, never mind compassionate, to broadcast your plan to partake of an adult beverage at the end of a long day?

It's hard for an addict out there, folks. The church family used to be a safe place for people coming out of addiction. It's not so safe anymore. And, it's not just about the drinking. Smoking for the addict is often the trigger that leads to that fall. And, I could talk quite a bit about how Christian women's attire makes it very hard for the sex addict. How many church services did I stoically sit through, while the woman in front of us left little to the imagination? 

Church, we must own our choices. They do affect our Brothers and Sisters in Christ, and we are accountable. Oh, I know. People don't like to hear that, but it's true. The Bible repeatedly tells us it's not about us. It's not about our rights, and our freedom. It's about laying down our lives, and our habits, for the sake of our friend. 

A Guest Post from Doug

I encourage you to take a few moments to read this guest post from Doug. Please, feel free to comment or leave questions. Doug will be happy to respond.

THE QUESTION OF AUTHORITY

by Rev. Doug Gregan

(aka, the Saxophone Player)

The most astounding thing about the subject of Christians drinking alcohol is the narrow focus that both sides of the discussion tend to stay on. 

The spiritual root of drinking is one of authority and friendship with the world, neither of which do I ever hear discussed. 

The very nature of an intimate relationship with God is one of increased Presence, resulting in increased holiness. This conversation on whether a Christian should drink, or if drinking is sin, is shallow and weak. The real question should be, "Why aren't Christians more Christ-like?" 

We are called out from among them, to be separate. Friendship with the world is enmity with God, and brings us under the authority of the world and its spirit. The spirit that drives alcohol is undeniably of the world, and under the authority of the devil. There's not a man or woman alive who can tell me of a time when drinking brought them into a greater intimacy with Christ, drove them to love God more, or brought them into greater holiness and sanctification. 

Does not the scripture tell us from beginning to the end that He is calling us out and unto Himself? Consider Romans  6:18-22:

"You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life."

This is the key to this whole issue, whether it be drinking, watching anything that exalts the flesh, gluttonous eating, dressing like the world, or any other behavior that opens the door for the flesh to be strengthened. 

"What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!" 

And it does result in death. 

Complacency, laziness, lack of sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, lack of compassion towards those who don't, can't, or won't "handle" the same things you can - it is all death. It produces a self-righteous, self-centered attitude evidenced by the countless defensive comments that come up in these type of discussions. 

Then, there is the subtle, but incredible importance of spiritual authority mentioned in verse 16: "Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey, whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?"

Those who drink are yielding a measure of their spiritual authority to the flesh and the devil. Alcohol, by it's very nature, deadens sensitivity to Holy Spirit and weakens our ability to control the flesh as we should. 
The angry man is more susceptible to anger, the lustful man is more susceptible to lust, the proud man more to pride, the depressed man more to depression, the jealous man more to jealousy, and on it goes. This all takes place when one "walks in his freedom to drink." I've served in prison ministry for ten years and could not begin to tell of the devastation and carnage left in the wake of alcohol. This includes Christians, men and women becoming casual with drinking, declaring their freedom to do so.  I have yet to have a drug addict tell me that their addiction was not preceded by alcohol use. 
Yet, we proudly demand and defend our right to drink. It is sad and shameful. The devil mocks and laughs at the impotence of the Church to touch our generation with Christ-like love, life, and POWER. We would do well to heed the call of James 4. After exposing the Lord's attitude to worldliness, James says in 4:7-10:
"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."
I understand fully the emptiness of imposing restrictions and not trusting in the transforming work of the Spirit to bring about abundant life, balance, and control. The emphasis of my sharing is on the yoking of ourselves to spiritual forces and influences we have no business being in agreement with. Light has no agreement wih darkness. Consider 1 Corinthians 6:12:
"All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any."
We interact with this verse only on the level of the substance or behavior in question, but it transcends that. It speaks to every spiritual dynamic that is associated with those elements.
Where are those who are broken, weeping between the porch and altar, for the souls of those bound and enslaved? One can defend the biblical right to eat and drink. I get that. But, who can show me a man who is ministering in power and authority, yet allows himself to be brought under the authority of the spiritual forces connected to these worldly elements? They are not profitable. We will never step into the realm of darkness, addiction, and brokenness with any authority to bring genuine deliverance, yoked to these things.
Should this be the shining prize I declare to the addicted and their broken family? "One day, you'll be able to drink in freedom, like I do."
I am deeply concerned by the absence of genuine discipleship that prepares God's people to be ambassadors of reconciliation, walking in the power of God to bring the lost, broken, and hurting into freedom. Please, take a few minutes to read Ephesians 4:11-27, and prayerfully consider the life you are living today.

I welcome your comments and questions.

Still Christmas

We celebrated Christmas today.

Yes, we did celebrate with extended family last week, not to mention helping make Christmas for almost 700 men, but this is our Gregan Christmas. Just us three. It was a good solution to the circumstances of our schedule, and allowed us to have more time for our 'away' Christmas. I like how it worked out. Though I am all ready planning for Christmas 2014 and hoping I will be more prepared, maybe even get Christmas cards in the mail in December, I wouldn't mind doing this again. We have had a relaxed day, and that's worth a lot.

I didn't do a lot of decorating (only tapped into two of my six or seven Christmas bins), but it was enough. We do have a very small place, so it doesn't take much to set the mood.

I thought I would share a few pictures. I'll give you a glimpse of our little "missions station."

And, speaking of this mission in which we serve, we are going to need many Christmas cards this year - Mire than every year so far combined. So, if you have unused Christmas cards you would like to donate to NBF, or are willing and able to purchase cards for us, at post-Christmas, discounted prices, please consider helping us in this way. You may contact us if you are in the area, or mail cards to us at NBF, P.O. Box 307, Haverhill, Massachsetts, 01830. Thank you!

My little flag & a Santa that is supposed to light up.

There is a story behind that messy string of lights. 

A wreath made from sheet music; a gift from a friend.

Hannah's village. It is growing!

My "kitchen tree." I use my cookie cutters to decorate it.

Our swag has seen better days!

The window over my kitchen sink.

I love this banner.

Our tree!

Our living room.

Our Christmas Nook.

One of my nativities, a gift from my mother-in-law.

Hannah's Santas: Englad, Ireland, & Czechoslovokia.

One of my favorite objects.

Hannah's bedroom door. We surprised her.

Christmas is always about the children - no matter how grown-up!

My Christmas gift to me: an organizer for my Christmas ribbons.

My Mother's Merry Christmas sign. (Missing her sweet face, one year and one day since her Homegoing.)

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. God bless you all!

The High Tech Blues

I am typing on my phone. 

As marvelous as it is that I can do this, and as grateful as I am for my phone, give me a computer monitor and keyboard any day! The monitor at the jail, in the Chaplain's office where I volunteer with said Chaplain, aka the Saxophpne Player, is really (REALLY) bad. My eyes ache after an hour. Yet, I love having a real keyboard to tap-tap-tap. 

Even better, there is an actual IBM typewriter in the office, too. I adore using it. 

But, do you know what is even better than that? A good pen and a yellow, legal pad. 

Technology has it's place, but it is always disappointing me. The more advanced, the greater the pain when it fails. My husband delights in technology, but I want to break my dependency on it. He is forever searching for the perfect app to solve all his scheduling challenges. I just need my $0.99 calendar. He would have me record contributions online, but I prefer index cards. His address book is strictly digital, but I still have the address book from Hallmark which Hannah gave me on my 30th birthday. I trust paper. 

Speaking of paper, the recent issues with debit cards at Target had me wondering if we need to just stick with cash. And, we should have cash on hand, stashed under a floor board or up in the attic. Without electricity, the very basis of all technology, we be in trouble. I think we depend too much on debit cards. Was identity theft even an issue 30 years?

I know technology has its place, but it seems to me it doesn't know it's boundaries. We need to continually corral it, or it just grows out of control. We need to carefully gauge how much of it we will allow in our lives. To think that one dead battery is all it would take to shut down a business transaction or medical procedure or any number of other important events is sobering for me. 

And, it's just not right. Precious photos and videos, for example, that only exist digitally, are a heartache just waiting to happen. We should not put all our confidence in technology. I don't know how I am going to fix my own dependency, but I must try. 

Do you have a high tech dependency you want to fix?

No One's Listening, But I'll Keep Talking

Just an update kinda post. Nothing special happening here.

I have decided to take a break from Facebook. It was a spontaneous decision made for two important reasons: to keep myself from posting something that could be misconstrued, and to keep myself from believing that people are actually paying attention.

Christmas Day was very unexpected. Events occurred which have left me asking more questions about my life than I thought I still had to ask. I've also had to face some hard realities that make me very sad. And, disappointed. And, concerned.

It also cemented in my heart some convictions. And, brought some things into the light. Not all bad stuff. Some very hard stuff, but not all bad.

In other news, the new year is just around the corner, and I am a wee bit terrified about all that is happening. Some important meetings await us, and I am not ready. My responsibilities within the ministry are much heavier than I feel capable of carrying. Physically, I am challenged, too. I am starting to pray for the Lord to give us an elliptical. I need something that moves my joints. I need exercise that demands exertion. I think the elliptical would do that. Since the end of my gardening season, it's like my body is just freezing up. Anyway, blah-blah-blah. But, it is a little scary to feel like a hard wind will send me crashing into a million pieces. My body is too high maintenance.

AND ANOTHER THING

More than ever, I am recognizing the importance of women. Ladies, if you forsake the God-given influence you have in your family, you will be sorry for the rest of your lives. And, there may be dire circumstances for your choices. There is a wrong kind of submission, and too many women choose that path, because it is easier than standing against their husband's unrighteous leadership. I know that is a bold thing to say, but I feel very strongly that there is much truth in that statement. There is a way to stand righteously against our husbands, but we have to first believe this is even possible. And, then we have to have the courage to do it. The courage of Esther. Our children and our grandchildren are counting on us. We must heed the Holy Spirit at all cost.  

God bless you, and keep you. And, may He give you the courage and strength to stand for righteousness in your relationships and home.

So Far, So Good

I only have FIVE minutes to write this post. That is kind of ridiculous, but I am very determined to stick to this curfew. It has been a week, I think, and it's transformed my life. It has transformed my family's life. I am not being dramatic. 

It is frustrating, though. I want to keep working. I want to search for recipes. I want to play Scrabble. I want to check the weather, watch the news, catch-up on "Lark Rise at Candleford."

I want to do several things that I cannot.

However, I am getting to do more other things. Like sleeping. Working. Talking. Reading. 

It's been good. I really cannot complain. My lists are not getting shorter, and I do not know if I am more productive (first guess would be that it hasn't made an impact there), however, I am not doing this to increase my productivity. I am doing this to improve the quality of my life and relationships.

So far, so good.

I do miss my friends on Facebook, though. And, my blogging friends. I figure I will get better at using my time online eventually.

I am worried about some projects that are computer-based, but, well, it's only been a week! 

So far, so good. 

:)

Making Time to Listen

A friend did a kind thing for us recently. He committed to making us get away to to his family's cabin. It wasn't until Thursday night that I actually believed it would happen, and because of car troubles we didn't actually get to leave until Saturday, but we did it. We got away. Three nights. 

Do you know that our daughter was still in diapers the last time we were away for more than two nights? And, the last time we were away at all for any kind of holiday? Well, let's just not go there. What matters is that it was a long time coming, and I am grateful for our friend's persistence. We needed this time in a serious way. We needed a chance to be quiet, to meditate. To listen. 

You see, we do not normally have a day off. Sometimes, we get hours off during the day, but it's more common for us to work from the time we wake-up until the we go to bed. There is almost always an email waiting for a reply, a document to create, a newsletter to write, text messages to send, studying or planning. Inevitably, there is a phone call. It's not good. And, it's gotten worse since I've been working more. Heading into our new year of ministry, we knew we needed to spend some time seeking the Lord, and searching our hearts. 

And, now, we are home. We still are seeking and searching, but we know some have some direction and some answers. We aren't sure how we will schedule a day off each week, but we know that needs to happen. We also are committing to putting away phone and computers by 10 p.m. We must make more time to listen. To each other, and to the Lord.  

We also know I need to be in the jail more, and Doug needs to be in the jail more. So, yeah. Figure that one out. Work more and work less, at the same time. That is one for the Lord to resolve!

One of my earliest memories as a child is sneaking out of bed and creeping into the hallway, so I could hear what I was missing. I don't know how we're going to make all the changes we need to make, but I know they are God's will. And, that's not something I'm willing to miss. 

The Rest Is History

It was one of those moments you never forget. You don't know how it's going to change your life, you just know things will change.

We had been living in Haverhill for just over two months. Doug had been working as the chaplain's assistant for the Essex County Correctional Facility in Middleton, Massachusetts and the Lawrence Correctional Alternative Center in Lawrence, Massachusetts. I say working, but it was an unofficial, unpaid position. We were now existing on the fumes of his last unemployment check.

It was November 16, 2004. Doug had been laid-off from a well-paid position at Verizon Information Services. Well-paid, but rather soul-numbing. He had always served God in church, but he had a desire to serve more. So, I urged him to just make himself "available" to God, as he searched for his new position. He received a generous severance, and as he had always gone from one good position to a better one his entire working life, I was completely confidant that would be the case once again. Jobs were hard to find, though. The last thing he wanted to do was another I.T. gig, but no one wanted to hire him to do anything else. By the end of the upcoming 12 months, he would have submitted many rejected job applications.

Back to November 2003 first.

Doug and some much-loved, much-talented musician friends had been rehearsing for a couple of years, gigging locally at Christian events. It began, because Doug wanted to work through the songs the Lord had given him over the previous 12 years. He had been working on notating the music, working to make them freely available, and in the process they began taking gigs. It was all free, of course. Everyone had a paying job. This was ministry. Ministry we do for free, because it's not ours. God gives it freely to us. At least that was always our conviction, and the rest of the band was in agreement. 

So, one of Doug's goals after he was laid off was to find more gigs for the worship band. That was how he ended up meeting Chaplin Ray Perez. A friend suggested he call him, so they met for breakfast and Doug shared that he had a worship band he wanted to make available to go into the jail. There had always been a desire in Doug's heart to bring worship into jail, even though he had never served in prison ministry.

Chaplain Ray listened to Doug and invited him to go through orientation and visit a service. Doug says the first time he went into prison he fell in love, and I guess we could say the rest is history. 

Except, the rest is why I remember November 17, 2004 so well. The rest is why I am speaking into my phone and trying to write a blog post with my fingertip. :/ The rest is my story.

Doug began to lead worship services for Chaplain Ray, and soon offered to help with administrative tasks in the office. Over time, Chaplin Ray would ask Doug to share a testimony, teach a Bible study, and eventually cover services for him. In the summer of 2004, Doug covered for Chaplain Ray for an extended period of time, and this was when I began to see that this was more than just a way for him to pass time until his next job.

That August, we learned we would need to move and began looking for a new home. Through the prison ministry, an arts education program we developed for homeschoolers, and a compassion effort called The Keeper Project, we were already in the Haverhill community almost daily. Yet, Haverhill was the last place I wanted to live. I couldn't tell you why. I just know I looked everywhere else, until Haverhill was the only option left. So, over the Labor Day weekend of 2004, family and friends helped us move most of our belongings into storage and a few things into our new apartment. 

Apartment. Yes. This was challenging for me. Doug and I had built a very nice life. I didn't have a single complaint. Going from a small town in New Hampshire to the inner city was not a step-up for me. I remember really struggling, even suffering, in my very pampered-middle class way. Talk about First World problems. But, the Lord meets us where we are, even in our silliness and selfishness. He takes us by the hand and slowly shows us our sinful willfulness, and His divine, perfect will. For me, The Lord did this through the internet site eBay. 

I had 'discovered' eBay the year before, when I started selling Hannah's old homeschooling curriculum. When I began The Keeper Project, I used eBay to find cheap Tupperware Sandwich Keepers. And, that August the Lord used eBay to minister His will to my heart. Following a Mary Engelbreit rabbit trail one day, I found this: 

It is a green, Mary Engelbreit fabric, with "Bloom Where You're Planted" printed all over it. I love M.E., so I frequently went down eBay rabbit trails to find M.E. products. I may have seen this theme of hers before that day in August, but it was on that day that the Holy Spirit used it to begin speaking His peace and will to my heart. I sat at my desk (in my wonderful, spacious office), and cried my heart out. 

Bloom where you're planted, Caroline, He spoke to my heart. 

"I don't want to, Lord. I want to stay here!" 

Bloom where you're planted, Caroline.

"But, God, I don't want to!"

Bloom where you're planted, Caroline.

Resistance was futile, because I knew in that instant it was His hand that had closed every other door. I knew in that instant this was His will. I knew in that instant that this was His promise to me. He was planting me here, and if I was there I would grow.

So, I bought the fabric. No surprise that the seller was a Titus 2 Sister, with whom I was able to share my heart, and share that I would be using this fabric for the curtains in our new apartment. They would serve as a constant reminder to me that I was there by God's choosing, and meant to bloom. This was not a punishment or failure. This was His will, and His will was what I truly desired most.  

Yet, it was not as easy as making new curtains. By the time November arrived, I was becoming very stressed. Our lifestyle and living conditions dramatically changed. Friends didn't want to visit our ghetto apartment - yes, that's right. We were a block away from a porn den in one direction, the prime spot for prostitution in another direction, and the center for drug deals in another. The fourth direction took us to the post office, which was a blessing, because my little eBay business had now become our only source of income.

We knew this was God's will, though on Labor Day we were still not exactly sure what God had in mind, besides our continuing what He had given us to do: Keepers, LAM Arts Ed, and Doug serving as the Chaplain's unofficial assistant.

On November 6th we attended our first Volunteer Appreciation event, and it was just what we needed. We returned home very encouraged and inspired. The next morning we were awakened by neighbors at 5:00 a.m., alerting us that our car had been vandalized. We handled that crisis well, sitting together to pray for the offender, but our CD player (our primary source of spiritual food) was gone and the $250 we had gathered towards our late rent had to be used to repair the broken car window. A week later, when Doug came to me with this 'new ministry' idea Chaplain Ray had shared with him, through clenched teeth I told him: "The last thing I want to hear about is MINISTRY!" I was at the end if my rope.

That same day I took Hannah to her homeschool group. As we pulled into the parking lot, the Holy Spirit just opened my eyes. I just instantly knew this 'new ministry' was actually exactly what my heart desired. The Holy Spirit reminded me of the first time I attended a chapel service, and the question that had filled my heart as I watched my Brothers worship God: "What happens when they leave prison?" This ministry was the answer to that need. I called Doug immediately and cried into the phone, repenting for my wrong spirit. 

Friends, we've learned a lot over the past nine years on this mission field, and on November 16, 2004 I learned that when you are walking by faith, and you come to the end of your rope, you let go.

So, the next day, nine years ago yesterday, we met with Chaplain Ray and began a new life of full-time ministry as full-time missionaries. 

And, here is where I will say: the rest is history.