24 October 2012

Thinking Alone

I am at the Yawkey Cancer Care Center today. It was supposed to be my six-month check-up, but appointment was lost somehow. Not surprising. The entire trip here was just ridiculous. There are some things that should not be attempted when one is still recovering from a cold. Driving is one of them. As is thinking.

Nonetheless, I sit here in the dining room, having a snack after giving blood, before driving myself home, and I cannot help think about it all. I don't have this luxury often anymore, the thrill of uninterrupted introspection. It used to be my norm. Now, it's a treat. So, I am lingering here, in this place, waiting for my head too start feeling better, and waiting for my mind to have its fill.

I hope Doug will forgive my delay.

13 October 2012

Fearless Scaredy Cat

So much goes on inside us at one time. Have you ever thought about that? I feel like there are seven hundred processes happening at once inside me. It's as if I am a computer with multiple screens, and a different operator is at each one doing something different. And, then, the system shuts down and all that new programming is updated all at once. and all of a sudden something is different. It's hard to identify what it is, but things just seem to work a little better.

I am old. Forty-six-years-old. Yet, there are times when I am very aware of the fact that I am so immature. I don't want to be immature. I want to be a grown-up. A real grown-up. A person with self-control, self-confidence. A fearless person. A person who faces whatever comes her way with a daring boldness. 

I think instead I have been living my life trying to be the person I'm "supposed" to be, the person people will better accept. I think maybe I have always been trying to fit-in, be approved. 

Isn't that crazy? And, what is even crazier is that I think I have always thought that was normal. Even good, and godly.

God help me.

There are things I have always wanted to say, to write, that I never have, because of what people would say---what they would think, how they would feel. But, these are my things to say. My feelings to feel. My thoughts to think. How could I let anyone keep from them?

My daughter. She challenges me. She is that kind of person, you see. She is so...herself. I want to be like that. 

I look at other writers and wonder how they had the guts to write what they did, something clearly autobiographical. Didn't they worry about what people would say? 

Maybe, but they didn't let it stop them.
I don't want to be disrespectful, or hurt people, but I am starting to see that sometimes people recognize that you are a scaredy cat, and they use that against you. To manipulate you. Some people just seem to pick-up on you vulnerability. Don't you think that's true?

I am probably thinking too much today. Probably would be better to just do some house work and get away from this computer.

I don't know, though. Somehow, I feel like who I am in the process of having my programming updated. Maybe, the things I have been through in recent years with some people have actually been bringing me to this place. Maybe, the pain I felt wasn't their blows coming against me, but God's strikes against the chains that have bound me to their will.

12 October 2012

Choosing Life Over Pancakes

Hannah Elisabeth
My daughter, Hannah, is 21-years-old. She writes a blog called Choosing Life Over Pancakes. Some of her posts have really been provoking. I wanted to share her blog with you here, because I think some of you would enjoy what she has to say.

I am going to highlight a few of my favorite posts.

Dementia Is Not My FavoriteIn this post, Hannah shares one of the more incredible things about my Mother's condition: that her faith is stronger than ever and brings a peace that surpasses all understanding---or, lack of understanding. Who my Mother really is, she will always be: a woman who loves Jesus more than all the world. Her knowledge of God informs everything about her life, and watching how she is handling the challenges she faces now convinces me nothing is more important than knowing Him more. When you have lost everything else, He is still there.

Interesting blog on manliness. Made me laugh out loud at least twice, so I am sharing it with you. One of my favorite lines: "Women are only so independent, because men aren't being dependable." The whole thing is a darn good indictment against modern relationships.

This is a funny. slice-of-life post. I enjoy a good streams of consciousness post.

Hannah at three, ready tof ly her kite on a rainy day.