13 October 2012

Fearless Scaredy Cat

So much goes on inside us at one time. Have you ever thought about that? I feel like there are seven hundred processes happening at once inside me. It's as if I am a computer with multiple screens, and a different operator is at each one doing something different. And, then, the system shuts down and all that new programming is updated all at once. and all of a sudden something is different. It's hard to identify what it is, but things just seem to work a little better.

I am old. Forty-six-years-old. Yet, there are times when I am very aware of the fact that I am so immature. I don't want to be immature. I want to be a grown-up. A real grown-up. A person with self-control, self-confidence. A fearless person. A person who faces whatever comes her way with a daring boldness. 

I think instead I have been living my life trying to be the person I'm "supposed" to be, the person people will better accept. I think maybe I have always been trying to fit-in, be approved. 

Isn't that crazy? And, what is even crazier is that I think I have always thought that was normal. Even good, and godly.

God help me.

There are things I have always wanted to say, to write, that I never have, because of what people would say---what they would think, how they would feel. But, these are my things to say. My feelings to feel. My thoughts to think. How could I let anyone keep from them?

My daughter. She challenges me. She is that kind of person, you see. She is so...herself. I want to be like that. 

I look at other writers and wonder how they had the guts to write what they did, something clearly autobiographical. Didn't they worry about what people would say? 

Maybe, but they didn't let it stop them.
I don't want to be disrespectful, or hurt people, but I am starting to see that sometimes people recognize that you are a scaredy cat, and they use that against you. To manipulate you. Some people just seem to pick-up on you vulnerability. Don't you think that's true?

I am probably thinking too much today. Probably would be better to just do some house work and get away from this computer.

I don't know, though. Somehow, I feel like who I am in the process of having my programming updated. Maybe, the things I have been through in recent years with some people have actually been bringing me to this place. Maybe, the pain I felt wasn't their blows coming against me, but God's strikes against the chains that have bound me to their will.

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