Good Grief

It hit the morning after the memorial, and I began to dwell on it. Meditate on it. The "What ifs" and "If onlys" were crushing weights. Nights became days, because I couldn't sleep. My head would hit the pillow and my mind would be flooded. The images were so real. There were times I knew Panic and Anxiety were just a breath away. 

Through the miasma of grief, I heard a still, small Voice, a Voice I knew well. It was gentle. And, cautionary.

We humans think so highly of ourselves. We are sure we know how far we are from danger. We race downhill towards the abyss, confident we'll stop in plenty of time. Before we reach the edge. 

We ignore the Holy Spirit at great risk. There were moments when I became concerned, but still I wouldn't turn back. Gone can be an overwhelming word, and the Enemy had convinced me that pursuing Grief would keep her with me.

The Saxophone Player talked with me, listened, encouraged me, reminded me of those glorious truths I was forgetting (ignoring), but I kept talking myself right back into the clutches of Grief. 

I kept listening to my heart. I was this guy:

All my heart wanted to do was feel sad, so I felt sad, even though my head and spirit knew better. This was my Facebook status on 12/30/12:

We are gathered here awaiting the moment the Lord liberates Stella from this earth. It's a sobering thought, knowing that something supernatural is about to take place. Right in our very presence. The Lord is coming for His own.

Doug shared a verse and thought with me earlier today:

"He is not the God of the dead, but the living." (Mark 12:27) Mother will go from this life to an everlasting life, a greater life than she has ever known. The earthen vessel she has carried around will stay here and return to the earth, but she will live forevermore with her Savior, the One she longs to see.

Thank you all for praying for my Mother these past few years. You have walked with her on this journey to Glory. ♥

I knew she was free now, experiencing life eternal, joys everlasting---but I kept listening to my heart, and my heart kept putting my loss front and center. 

My loss. 

My heartache. 

My sadness. 

My grief. 

It was all about me.

“The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately wicked; who can know it?"

My spirit was not hardened to the Lord, but I was deceived. Grief had become an idol, a god. I allowed it to rule over me. It was on the throne of my heart.

Thankfully, the Lord longsuffers us. Remember the story of Balaam? He could not see he was going in the wrong direction - a dangerous direction - against God's will, so God used his donkey to save him from himself. That is kind of what happened to me Sunday night.

No, my cat did not speak to me. It was a movie. God used a dumb movie I turned on for background noise. A movie that was really a donkey, but God used it to keep me from going over the edge. 

When the movie ended, I prayed, repented, and once again received the glorious truth He had shown me so clearly even before she passed away. I had a breakthrough. 

Then, the Lord took me to Psalm 116. I was just looking for a Psalm, before I went to sleep, but God still had more to say. Oh, yes, the Bible is God's LIVING Word! He opened that chapter to me, and nearly every verse spoke straight to my heart.

I went to bed that night with a heart full of joy. My spirit was at peace. 

Oh, yes, I still miss my Mother. How can I not? I will be sad. I will shed tears. I will remember, and long for her presence. But, I will never again forget that she is not gone, just gone ahead. She is not dead, but alive forever in Christ, and with Christ. Her work here was finished. 

Psalm 116:15

But, mine is not. I have a husband who needs a helpmeet, a daughter who needs an example of godly womanhood, and a work God has called me to do. 

The days are short. I must be busy.