05 March 2013

Good Grief

It hit the morning after the memorial, and I began to dwell on it. Meditate on it. The "What ifs" and "If onlys" were crushing weights. Nights became days, because I couldn't sleep. My head would hit the pillow and my mind would be flooded. The images were so real. There were times I knew Panic and Anxiety were just a breath away. 

Through the miasma of grief, I heard a still, small Voice, a Voice I knew well. It was gentle. And, cautionary.

We humans think so highly of ourselves. We are sure we know how far we are from danger. We race downhill towards the abyss, confident we'll stop in plenty of time. Before we reach the edge. 

We ignore the Holy Spirit at great risk. There were moments when I became concerned, but still I wouldn't turn back. Gone can be an overwhelming word, and the Enemy had convinced me that pursuing Grief would keep her with me.

The Saxophone Player talked with me, listened, encouraged me, reminded me of those glorious truths I was forgetting (ignoring), but I kept talking myself right back into the clutches of Grief. 

I kept listening to my heart. I was this guy:

All my heart wanted to do was feel sad, so I felt sad, even though my head and spirit knew better. This was my Facebook status on 12/30/12:
We are gathered here awaiting the moment the Lord liberates Stella from this earth. It's a sobering thought, knowing that something supernatural is about to take place. Right in our very presence. The Lord is coming for His own.

Doug shared a verse and thought with me earlier today:

"He is not the God of the dead, but the living." (Mark 12:27) Mother will go from this life to an everlasting life, a greater life than she has ever known. The earthen vessel she has carried around will stay here and return to the earth, but she will live forevermore with her Savior, the One she longs to see.

Thank you all for praying for my Mother these past few years. You have walked with her on this journey to Glory. ♥
I knew she was free now, experiencing life eternal, joys everlasting---but I kept listening to my heart, and my heart kept putting my loss front and center. 

My loss. 
My heartache. 
My sadness. 
My grief. 

It was all about me.

“The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately wicked; who can know it?"

My spirit was not hardened to the Lord, but I was deceived. Grief had become an idol, a god. I allowed it to rule over me. It was on the throne of my heart.

Thankfully, the Lord longsuffers us. Remember the story of Balaam? He could not see he was going in the wrong direction - a dangerous direction - against God's will, so God used his donkey to save him from himself. That is kind of what happened to me Sunday night.

No, my cat did not speak to me. It was a movie. God used a dumb movie I turned on for background noise. A movie that was really a donkey, but God used it to keep me from going over the edge. 

When the movie ended, I prayed, repented, and once again received the glorious truth He had shown me so clearly even before she passed away. I had a breakthrough. 

Then, the Lord took me to Psalm 116. I was just looking for a Psalm, before I went to sleep, but God still had more to say. Oh, yes, the Bible is God's LIVING Word! He opened that chapter to me, and nearly every verse spoke straight to my heart.

I went to bed that night with a heart full of joy. My spirit was at peace. 

Oh, yes, I still miss my Mother. How can I not? I will be sad. I will shed tears. I will remember, and long for her presence. But, I will never again forget that she is not gone, just gone ahead. She is not dead, but alive forever in Christ, and with Christ. Her work here was finished. 

Psalm 116:15

But, mine is not. I have a husband who needs a helpmeet, a daughter who needs an example of godly womanhood, and a work God has called me to do. 

The days are short. I must be busy. 


  1. I started reading with a worried furrowed brow and ended reading with a smile and reassurance from the Father He is SO the Father...

    You're doing great. I love the various ways the Father works and He is so unique and unfathomable, his ways are so far deeper then anything we can imagine or think! What love He has!

    You have a lot to do here on this earth...Also, always remember the great cloud of witnesses. They would want you to go on, grief is natural and that's okay but also everyday is a new day too for our families and needy here. I still have my moments when I think things like..."poor Al, he thought we didn't want the birdhouse when he saw it on the ground under the tree, he thought he did something wrong by hanging it up in the tree...I never got the chance to tell him the wind blew it down.." So I cry a little over things like that and say...Al we didn't take it down, and then I ask...God will you tell Al we didn't take the sweet little birdhouse down?

    I smile as I write this, just being real. I just wish that someone would have been real with me back then. Many people will never be real because they don't know how to feel. My girlfriends were too busy with blah, blah, blah back then not really giving a hoot. I had two little girls who missed their pa-pa and a toddler who was running up to every silver haired man with arms held out, he was their best friend.

    So great to hear how the Father is moving in such miraculous ways for you, so beautiful. *big hugs* <3 amelia

  2. Oh, Amelia, I am so glad I am not the only one who has asked the Lord to give a message to my loved one! There have been nights when I just said, "Jesus, please, just give her a hug for me!" "Give her a kiss for me!" :)

    Thank you for you love and kindness and support! We are blessed to know our beloved parents are in Heaven. Such a blessing!


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